I can't believe it, but I've finally gotten around to the aspect of my website that I've been wanting from the get go LOL (this blog). I've been trying to slowly get my website together by doing what I can each day or whenever I feel like my head will let me. I'm not sure if I'll keep this main layout, but it's something for the time being at least, so it'll do. It's crazy that it took me this long to finally put everything together, but there's been so much going on lately, I can barely keep up with much of anything these days.

After this stuff happened with my head, it's just slowly snowballed into me finally getting a family physician after years of not going to the doctor. After I got set up with her, she told me that they have therapists that's in the clinic on certain days if I was interested in seeing one of them (we had discussed my general/mental health issues that I had). I've always been hesitant with getting help with my mental health due to extreme fear of it not helping me, but I decided that it was finally time that I looked my fears in the face and come to terms with things that's happened to me throughout the years. It's something that has always held me back and I'm at an age now that I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Being open minded to therapy is one thing. Making yourself go each time and stay on top of the appointments is another. I find myself sometimes wanting to call and reschedule or just give up on it completely, but I don't allow myself to and I reluctantly make myself go. Having a partner in my life that makes me want to get better also helps. He's been so supportive of me since we've been together and when I came to him about possibly going to therapy, he told me that he'd support me either way. I want to be better for him and myself, so that helps with staying on top of my appointments.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she decided to put me on Lexapro to see how I do with it. I'll see her again in 4 weeks to see how I'm holding up and go from them. For the first time in my life, I have hope for my future. Which is something I never thought I would come around to saying about my life. I know that I have to give myself credit for building the courage to get help, but I also have to give credit to my fiancé for allowing me to have such a safe space to finally want to do things for myself. I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but living with them was a literal nightmare. The anxiety and fear that I would feel every day kept me in a constant fight or flight mode that I quite literally have never gotten out of. "If you grow up in a burning house, you learn to believe the whole world is on fire," is a quote that I told my therapist about because it's exactly what it feels like growing up in a toxic household.

I didn't mean for my first blog entry to center around my mental health, but it's really the only thing that's going on for me at the moment worth talking about. I've talked about my head so much in my IRL life that I'm just sick of talking about it. At the beginning of all of this, I wasted about 4-5(?) months with a neurologist that couldn't give less of a fuck about what was going on with me. When I told him how I ended up like this, he just wrote it off as migranes/headaches. He put me on a low does medicine that wasn't doing anything for my pain and then the next time I saw him for my check up, he again dismissed me and told me if I needed anything to call the office. So I told my fiancé that I was done. I wanted a second opinion. Now I'm with a neurologist that is headstrong on figuring out what's going on and to find some sort of relief for me. She believes that it has to do with my trigeminal nerve and now we're working on trying to calm that nerve down. The medicine she has me on has been doing amazing for me, so I'm very hopeful that as we go, the better I'll feel.

So with all that being said, if you are dealing with any type of health issue and nobody is listening, listen to yourself and get that second opinion if or when you can. You deserve to be heard and don't worry about stepping on any toes along the way. Your health is more important than keeping those around you comfortable.